just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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