Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
