I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
