the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
