he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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