Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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