Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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