in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
