you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
