There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
