Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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