had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
