I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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