Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
