3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
