Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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