found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize