Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
