meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
