I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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