I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
