Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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