Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
