dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
