About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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