I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My ATM looks so different sober.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
