In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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