I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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