Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
