I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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