on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
