she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
