we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
