I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
