You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
