And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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