Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
