I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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