saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
