Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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