my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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