11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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