Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
