She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
