Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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