oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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