i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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