Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
