I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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