Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
