hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
