The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
