Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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