That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
