last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
