my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
