I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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