he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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